JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He
decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and
sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes, it is bad on
Earth...95% is bad and 5% is good." Well, He thought for a moment and said
"Maybe I had better send down a male angel to get both points of view." So God
called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went
to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline, 95% is bad and only 5% is
good." God was saddened at the confirmation of the bad news. He decided to send
e-mail to the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep
going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
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Oh, you didn't get one either?!!!
The scene: The "F" train of the subway line in New York City. I was commuting
from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper
and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the
subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked
the second most stupid
question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first), "Are you reading that
paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered,
"Yes."
Two friends talking. "My wife drives like lighting!" "You mean
fast"?" No, she always hits the trees!"
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911
dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two
minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 same
blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in
the back seat by mistake.
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you,
grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food
like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just
couldn't be better. These young nurses really take good care of me." "What about
sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it.
I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the
nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he says. "I'm told you're
giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup
of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him
sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
A man and a woman are driving toward each other on a windy mountain road. As they
pass, the woman screams out the window, "Pig!" The man screams back,
"Bitch!" Further down the road, around a corner, the man hits a pig in the
middle of the road.
Moral: Men never listen.
This just in from Washington: Halloween and Thanksgiving have both just been cancelled in
the Washington, DC area. A White House spokesperson attributes this to the fact that the
witch is moving to New York and she is taking the turkey with her. Two bored casino
dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive woman comes in and wants to bet
twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't
mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that, she strips naked from
the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of
pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly
leaves. The dealer’s just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks,
"What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU
were watching!"